Friday, July 13, 2007

Fighting My DNA

Due to the DNA passed down to me by my parents my life is a constant struggle against anger and possible future alcoholism.

Alcoholism is something I've only recently started to worry about, but anger is has always been there (and it all honesty will always be.) It has destroyed relationships in nearly every area of my life. Girlfriends, friends, family, business; they've all suffered in some way because of it. They may not have been direct targets of my anger, but aftermath it took on my mental health has effected them all.

It sounds cliche, but it really did used to control my life. Those who knew me constantly had to tip toe around like, being careful not to set it off. If they did, holy shit, look out. I used to snap at anything and everything. The amount of anger displayed would often be in no way proportionate to the action that created it. I've lost many great relationships because of it. A few I miss much more then others, but thats another post for another day.

When I moved back to Riverside (another decision made by my anger) I was forced to confront it by my solitude. They only thing I really had to do all day was look inward and see what an asshole I was. When I did, I saw the anger wasn't originating from inside me. I learned to use anger to deal with situations from my father. But I didn't not use that as an excuse, as a crutch.
Being an adult meant that was no longer an option. It's time to fix it, or live the rest of my life alone. The change did not happen quick, hell I still learn things about myself everyday but it's happening.

The James that people knew in Oxnard has died. Well that's no entirely true. He's still here, just slowly but surely killing off a demon that kept the rest of him from living an enjoyable life.

Only just recently has it become apparent to me that I am making progress. The series of events that has happened within the last month proved it. Old James would have done something really stupid and probably be sitting in jail right now. But I'm not. I am here with you guys now blogging. That's not my only demon though. One is trying desperately to rear it's ugly head...

I really should be an alcoholic. It's another fucking trait my father so graciously passed down to his offspring. I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm not. Whether I am at home witnessing my father drink or out with friends who admit they are functioning alcoholics, I am always surrounded by it.

Well maybe it's because I get to witness it as a third party, and see how it affects other lives. But on the other hand I saw how my fathers anger affected the family and that did not stop me from going Hulk on everyone. Maybe for me, alcohol and anger a linked. Since I'm working on my anger issues, maybe at the same time I'm taking out the trait that causes it.

Who knows really. I just know that I'm really enjoying life a lot more now that I'm not as angry. Hopefully by doing that I've eliminated whatever would have caused me to become a drinker.